Friends, this is it. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for. The Supreme Court of the Philippines has made its decision, and the late beloved president Ferdinand Marcos is now allowed to be buried at the Libingan ng Mga Bayani, just as every patriotic Filipino wanted.
Ultimately, this SC decision sets this precedent to honor just about anyone we want to honor at the cemetery. It allows the whole process to be entirely democratic, so long as you have the audacity to barely justify why any individual or group of individuals are heroes to be honored. We’re in a whole new era of Philippine history, and we can’t wait to commemorate the services of more unsung heroes!
Check out our shortlist of who should be buried at the cemetery—some of them have long passed, but others are still alive; that just means we’re already recommending them while they’re still with us. Let’s begin:
Mocha Uson
Kick all your expectations to the curb—Mocha Uson is a true heroine of our time. Imagine, her appointment as an opinion columnist at a rival newspaper we’re not legally allowed to mention in our website breaks down so many barriers! Who would’ve thought that all you needed to have your own column space was to be a faithful devotee leading other faithful devotees? We’re shattering the glass ceiling of qualifications!
Sandro Marcos
Inquirer
Meanwhile, we can hear the questions in your head. Why Sandro? Well, if we’re going to bury Marcos as a hero, we should consider burying his grandson as well. Who else has proven, in a most prominent manner, that one’s level of intelligence is not a hindrance to amassing an awe-inspiring amount of influence with the youth? Never mind that he doesn’t know how to fill out a ballot, or how to send well-wishes to tragedy victims, or the difference between long-term and short-term—the boundaries Sandro has broken makes him truly heroic.
Derek Ramsay
And here we begin honoring the entertainment sector. Derek Ramsay works wirelessly to chase down that one vagrant movie pirate and remind us that piracy is stealing, stealing is against the law, and piracy is a crime several times a day, seven days a week. Derek is still alive, but his vigilant work against local movie piracy is the stuff heroes are made of.
The tomato they stepped on
Really, this tomato gave its life to protect the film industry.
Harambe
Telegraph
Can anyone get more heroic than Harambe? Originally a gentle giant in the Cincinnati Zoo who was merely following his instincts, Harambe now represents a rallying figure for everyone who likes forcing absurd, unimaginative memes on the rest of the population. The gorilla, who is apparently a hero to many, should and could have been the first animal to be buried in the Libingan ng Mga Bayani, but someone else is beating him to it.
Hodor
AV Club
Out of everyone on this list, Hodor gave the biggest sacrifice—not only sacrificing his life at the end of it, but also his mental capacities just when he had the rest of his life before him. Granted, much of it might have been going to a brutal medieval existence in Winterfell, but that was his life to live. Now that anyone can be buried in our national cemetery, we believe Hodor deserves some of the highest honors.
*****
So, does all of this sound ridiculous to you? If yes, then that’s also how today’s Supreme Court decision sounds to everyone who knows Marcos shouldn’t be buried as a hero. It’s just a gravesite, but it’s symbolic—this is an attempt to normalize this rewriting of history toward the late dictator’s favor, validating everyone who ever thought that what he did to the country and the people just wasn’t that bad. This just isn’t something we could completely keep our tongues in our cheeks for—not while we still have the freedom to say these things.