Trigger warning: This includes realistic depictions of insects and trypophobia-inducing images
Ah, internet shopping: It can be a wasteland, a treasure trove or a portal to the weirdest stuff you wouldn’t see on your daily walks.
Welcome to the internet, kids. From hyperrealistic cockroach plushies to acne-squeezing stress toys, here are a couple of SFW stuff I’ve found on local sites—along with my totally “official” reviews.
(Disclaimer: I don’t actually own any of these and am only judging using my all-seeing eye. Purchase with caution.)
Carp pouch
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
Had it with your mom fooling you with fish inside ice cream containers? You can now exact your long-awaited revenge with this tilapia case. Insert a sealed popsicle inside the pouch, then place it inside the freezer. You’ll be out to end Ashton Kutcher’s whole career. (That’s a “Punk’d” reference.)
“Official” review: 4/5 stars. As a pescetarian, I approve. Nothing says “I only eat fish” more than a hyperrealistic pouch of your dietary preference, am I right?
“Supreme” money gun
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
Here’s how to finally live your “Big Pimpin’” Jay-Z fantasies without spendin’ actual G’s—a “Supreme” money gun. If you can’t shell out cash for a Supreme Oreo or a Supreme brick, a knockoff gun that shoots money out of it might be the next best thing. Bonus: You can spice up your Monopoly game by gearing yourself up with one of these bad boys. Yay, capitalist microcosms!
“Official” review: 3.5/5 stars. One review says “good,” so I’m taking their word for it.
Banana case
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
Is your banana prone to bruises? We feel ya. Protect your precious potassium with this banana case that’s able to withstand the fiercest and longest school hours. It’s 360-degree protection for your banana—your baon will be the envy of your classmates.
“Official” review: 4/5 stars for the multifactional aspect (it can hold non-banana fruits, apparently).
Cockroach plushie
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee, Hell
For the insect-loving crowd in need of a cuddle buddy, online stores have got you covered. This cockroach plushie is a larger-than-life version of your house’s frequent visitor, but it’s still a pretty accurate copy, anatomically speaking.
“Official” review: -10/5 stars. No, just no.
Acne squeezer stress toy
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
If you have flawless skin but miss popping zits, then we present a stress toy that squeezes fake acne. The pimple popper toy is also perfect for budding dermatologists and those officially over boring old stress balls or bubble wrap.
“Official” review: 4/5 stars. “Endless fun,” as the official description says.
Alien plush
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
Here’s another one for the “hyperrealistic products that makes things just plain “weird” category. This alien plush comes in a variety of sizes from baby-sized extraterrestrials to “it looks like it can go to my grade school.”
“Official” review: 5/5 stars. It’s as close as I can get to starring in an “ET” remake.
Cleaver knife phone case
Where you can find it: Lazada, Shopee
This nifty cleaver phone case is straight out of a butcher’s arsenal. If you feel like raising the alarm of anyone within your radius every time you answer your phone, then go ahead and click “add to cart.”
“Official” review: 3/5 stars. This might actually ban you from a mall.
Read more:
We found the freakiest stuff you can buy on the non-dark web
Is your earrings game weak? These 5 IG stores can step it up
7 weird beauty collabs that make our manic pixie dream girl hearts sing
Photos from Lazada and Shopee