Warning: This entire article contains NSFW shit. While it’s perfectly okay to explore your sexuality, please consume such content responsibly.
Let me tell y’all something, just between us kids. Since lockdown, since this whole shitbag called quarantine started, I learned new things about myself. Specifically, interesting things about my personal health―both (barely decent) physical and (deteriorating) mental health.
I admittedly became prone to burnout, which prompted me to start treating myself a little better with some unconventional self-care: revenge bedtime procrastination, endless subreddit hopping and―god forbid, but yes―even masturbation.
Now take off your judging hats and let’s be real; most of us here have done it. Whether it’s to destress or to give ourself that shot of dopamine we need to forget that we’re burned out in the first place, consuming porn is nothing to be ashamed of.
According to this Bustle article, we have “sexual accelerators,” those that drive our sexual desires, and “sexual breaks,” or those that shut our minds off from going down the gutter. And interestingly, not all of us are “accelerated” by visual porn.
Visual porn is great for eye candy, but their unrealistic expectations can be projected onto viewers and affect their confidence in their own bodies. With audio porn, however, the listener is free to imagine how the scenario goes, focusing on the emotional pleasure, too.
For experimental purposes (and I say this loosely), I’m going to be testing out the stimulative factor of some handpicked raunchy audio sources from the internet.
Disclaimer: I will be relying on my imagination (and only my imagination, nothing else) to measure the stimulation from these audio masterpieces. Feel free to test them out on your own.
The Orgasm Sound Library
This online library crowdsources audio from real people, visualized by splashes of color that responds to the volume of the audio. It’s also partly a research project exploring the influences of our views on masturbation itself.
Verdict: 6/10. Pretty okay, especially while watching the visualizer move as you listen. Could use a better navigation tool to flip through the content better.
This entire Tumblog
Tumblr used to be a good place to find the raunchy content of our heart’s desires, until it decided flagging potentially NSFW posts left and right. There are still some viewable blogs that evaded the Tumblr staff ban: One of them is audibleporn, which contains audio clips submitted by anonymous users and with brief descriptions of each.
See, the great thing about audio porn is that the listener can visualize whatever they want to complement the audio. You only get a few deets: their gender, age, maybe even a hint of what they’re doing (I learned on this blog what someone “edging” sounds like and let me tell you… I want what they’re having.)
Verdict: 8/10, wow. This is- This is actually great. If it weren’t for the site’s policies, but yeah. Great experience.
ASMR with sex toys
ASMR content on YouTube is pretty popular, with content creators touching various objects near a microphone for your auditory pleasure. Somewhere down there are videos of actual pleasure toys: the careful unboxing, the luscious crispness of its packaging, the- okay, you get the point.
Verdict: 8/10. If you don’t look at the visual and just focus on the audio, it’s pretty stimulating.
SO roleplay
My weeb ass was listening to visual novel audios strayed a little too far down the recommendations one day and I was never the same again. Similar to ASMR boyfriend content, but… let’s just say, a little more creative with the scenario.
Verdict: 9/10. I actually like the concept. You just have to know what sort of scenario gets you going. And if you manage to get through the many cringey ones scattered there.
BTS’ RM singing “Expensive Girl”
Somewhere on the internet are copies of an idol’s dark past: social media comments shared as middle schoolers, scandals and… song covers they’d rather take to the grave.
RM’s cover of Pharrel Williams’ “Take It Off” needs a lot of unpacking for a two-minute ride. Ticks a lot of boxes off, sure I’ll give him that: sensual beat, explicit lyrics, unnecessary moans here and there. And I’ll leave it at that.
Verdict: … I tried to rate this, I really did. I just can’t take it seriously. Maybe an ARMY out there actually gets off to this masterpiece and all I can say is… you do you. We all have our preferences.
“Are you lost, baby girl?”
You know this one, don’t lie. Your Netflix watch list has the evidence. You thought it was gonna be the next “50 Shades” but you’re stuck with a meme instead.
Rating: 2/10. Sorry, Massimo. You lost me at “baby girl.”
Art by Jan Cardasto